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emarie72283
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Name: Elizabeth
Birthday: 7/22/1983
Gender: Female
Interests: backpacking, running, trail running, art, journaling, making journals, teaching art, playing football, volleyball, exploring, cooking, creating, and ...well, just about anything outdoors!
Occupation: Artist, Photographer, Designer
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
1/18/2006
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| So, I'm having a lot of fun with my photo blog but I have to say that I really love my sweet little hidden xanga blog that all of 2 people know about and read. It's become my little haven of external processing when significant things are goin' on in my heart/life/brain/world. And it's fun to feel no pressure whatsoever about if anyone ever reads this stuff. It's so freeing.
A while back God started talking to me about how CHANGE was coming, and I knew I really wouldn't understand it until it got here. Not surprisingly, that's still the case. I now understand a lot more of what that change is (b/c it's here), but there's still so much more that hasn't been revealed yet.
I'm moving. Lest you get worried, or all worked up, it's not going to be far ... at least not right now. Not overseas yet. I'm giving up my peaceful home with two amazing roommates and a phenomenal location ... and let me just say that it is not easy. Sacrifice never really is, though, is it? It's hard, and sometimes even kinda painful. I don't like having to say goodbye, and while I do get excited about getting to decorate a new space, I certainly don't enjoy the logistics of having to pack and move.
The whole thing has happened rather quickly (though it's been rumbling in my heart for a while). There are many "reasons" why (I'm glad to share ... just don't want to turn this into a novel), but honestly, it really comes down to a simple act of obedience. I don't know what's next, or how my life is about to change, but I know that God is asking me to take the next step and to trust him. That next step means moving back in with my parents for a while, even if it's only for a few months (I don't have any idea how long it'll be). Honestly, I can't help but wonder and speculate a little bit of how He could be positioning me to really see His heart in me for the nations come alive more fully in the day to day.
I have a lot of questions ... a lot of uncertainty. But, I know that my God is good and He is completely trustworthy. And, really, it all comes down to a matter of obedience. I made a decision years ago—my life is not my own. So, really, it's not about what I want or think I need. It's about what my sweet Jesus is asking of me and where and how and when He is leading and guiding me.
And today, I am extremely thankful for other friends that are sensitive to the ways He is leading them. I read an email from a dear friend in South Africa (who's living on financial support) telling me that she's been praying about what to do with her tithe, and that God has been putting me on her heart. Though it's untraditional, she asked me if I would be willing to receive it and put it towards whatever needs I have ... or an organization I'm working with/for.
The sweetest part is that God does bless obedience. He doesn't have to, but He often does. I am overwhelmed today, and extremely thankful. I love when God provides through others before you've even had the chance to ask. There's been a couple trips coming up that I haven't even asked for financial confirmation about yet, and already He's reminding me that He is in control of my finances. My friend's support will also enable me to continue doing what I've been doing these past months ... giving my time and energy and even my abilities to non-profits and churches doing amazing things here in this city and throughout the world. I am so honored to be able to do that, and thankful for less pressure to be "successful" at the business end of things. I honestly just want to pursue the things in my heart ... the business is a practical way that I am able to do so.
He's such a good God. I sometimes need to be reminded that it's ok (and even right) to receive. I would so much rather be the one to give. But perhaps that's all a part of His answering my prayers to teach me how to walk in humility. Hmmm ... | | |
| So I've been thinking a lot about expectations recently. I'm reluctant to use definitive words like all, never, always, etc. but I am tempted to throw all caution to the wind when it comes to what I've been realizing about expectations and how they affect us. I am nearly convinced that all of our frustrations and disappoints come from unmet expectations — expectations we have of others, expectations we have of how a situation should pan out, expectations we have, even, of God.
I can't stop thinking about this idea we seem to have here in the Western church. I don't know that it's a global problem in the church, but it's certainly one I've found to be true (and guilty of!) here in the U.S. There seems to be some deep-rooted expectation that by following Jesus and really obeying Him well, we are due some serious blessing in return. While there are many scriptures that do talk about how He "will not withhold good things from those who walk uprightly with Him," I'm not sure we really understand that He's more concerned about our character and holiness than He is our happiness.
I mean, if he was most concerned about our happiness, don't you think this world would look a bit different? I doubt that some of the children that He loves deeply would go without food today, or that a committed husband would lose his wife in a car accident, or that so many would find themselves in want today with the economy being what it is. Not to get all debbie-downer on you, but I seriously doubt that Job (a man that God was seriously pleased with) would have undergone all the hardship and suffering that he did if God was mostly concerned about the happiness of His children.
So, where does this idea come from? ... Honestly, I have no idea.
But I know that it's been teaching me so much about my own expectations. The moment I begin to get frustrated or feel hurt or discouraged, I begin to ask myself what expectations I have that aren't being met. So far, in this recent little experiment of mine, there are always expectations that come to the surface and make themselves known.
Last night I probably spent about 30 minutes just releasing expectations to the Lord. For me, this was best done in my journal. It wasn't anything profound or amazing, or even emotional. It was simple. I just went through all the things that were coming to mind that I knew I had built up some sort of expectation about. Before I knew it, I had a couple pages filled with expectations I'd released. I closed my journal and went to bed.
... and then this morning ...
Well, there's been some sort of deep release in my heart. I haven't danced in worship just because I feel like it in ... well, I can't remember the last time. And this morning I did. It felt so good to have a taste of that overwhelming, abundant joy returned to me.
It seems that a simple release of expectations has freed me. And now, I continue to go about the day full of joy — THIS is life abundant. | | |
| So it would seem that HOPE has been my word. I'd love to say that it's been my word of the year. Or the month, even. But the truth is that it's been my word for much longer than that! I wrestle with it, conquer it sometimes, grab ahold of it at times, and at other times it seems to slip just out of my grip. It's a funny thing.
When I think of hope, the immediate connotation seems to be that it is pleasant and delightful. And when I'm living in the fullness of what hope was intended to look like, it usually is. But then there's the absence of hope. Or even when it's glimmer has faded a bit and is, well, less "sparkly" and pleasant. That part is usually followed by heart-sickness.
When you break it down, hope seems so easy. So black and white. A simple choice. And yet I find that the tangled strings of my heart are not always able to find and follow that clear, straight-forward path that logic would suggest exists.
For years I have clung to all sorts of verses that talk about hope, and they have often provided LIFE when hope seemed to be lingering just beyond my grasp. And I used to think that it was as simple as making sure that one's hope was placed in Jesus. And it is. But I would not be honest if I did not also admit that there is a practicality that is absent from such a statement. It seems there are times when my Spirit "gets" it, and it is as simple as that. And then there are times when it doesn't.
Hope is such a funny, strange mystery.
All that to say (and really just to process externally for a moment), that today I had some good worship on. I was just sitting here working at my kitchen table, trying to get the new website up and going for the new business ... and all of the sudden, through one of the songs, I could feel the Lord tenderly dropping some hope into my heart. I'm not even sure I knew to ask for that for the sake of my heart, but God, in His goodness, decided to give it anyway. It sure is a good thing He knows better than me!
And later I found myself thinking about how living with hope really means choosing to live in a place of vulnerability. Hope is risky. It's vulnerable. And it's not always as straight-forward and black and white as our minds might suggest. So here's to continuing to choose to live in a place of vulnerability, learning how to trust Him who is the Giver of all hope ... that we might have life abundant! | | |
| I am spent. My heart is full, my body tired, and yet there is such a sweet tenderness and compassion that my heart knows tonight. I confess that I write more tonight as a way of processing than being a clear mode of communication to anyone, so bear with me.
We have been going through a new, amazing series on Sunday nights at our church and each week I walk away more convicted and challenged by the Holy Spirit than I have been in a long time. And my heart aches for it. It needs it. Yearns for it, even, in ways that I consciously did not know.
Tonight was about the compassion/kindness of the Lord. ... Even now i cannot write without tears filling my eyes. I had SUCH an amazing, full, blessed weekend where I was already overwhelmed by how gracious and loving God has been to me in the way that He has surrounded me with so many incredible, amazing people. After church today, one of those precious families came to hang out at our place for the afternoon (and they were MOST welcome!) Their delightful little 2 yr. old boy had decided he missed me and my roommate after spending last weekend with us while his parents were out of town. We played all afternoon together, and then tonight I got to hold their baby girl (infant) in my arms while both mom and dad were up helping to lead worship. She fell asleep peacefully in my arms after her bottle and I sat there in the sweet presence of the Lord for the last two songs with neither she or I moving a muscle. It was so peaceful.
It's been a while since I first worked through the struggle in my heart of the temptation to be completely overwhelmed by the magnitude of the poverty and depravity of the children I have fallen in love with in third world countries. Over and over again I have to remind myself that it's not my job to save/love/care for/rescue all of them ... it's my job to love the ONE. Whatever one my God puts in front of me in each moment ... that is who I am called to love.
It's been a real adjustment to shift my mindset from thinking I would get to be living in India with my arms wrapped around those beautifully messy children every day to being content and even excited about the things that God has for me here. And I think I'm finally really starting to "get" it when it comes to the fact that my responsibility to love the one is no different at all here in the States as it is anywhere else in the world.
So, after just passing back baby Esther to her mom at church tonight, the video series guy began to talk about when he really began to understand the compassion and kindness of the Lord. Catching me completely off-guard, he began to tell a story about one time when he traveled to India. He cried all the way through the story. My heart was, of course, completely broken. Tears streaming down my face at this point, I had to close my eyes and avoid eye contact with anyone around me b/c I knew that if I saw the love in their eyes, I would completely break down sobbing. I mean, not the pretty kind of crying. The boo hoos and sobs and tears and snot and .... well, loud. And it didn't seem appropriate.
So, where's all this going? Um, I don't know. Just like I don't really know the answer to the question of when I will get to go back to India next, or when I might get to move overseas. Or when I will begin to see some of the significant dreams and hopes that God has put in my heart begin to come true. I don't know. And I'm ok with that. I'm ok with it because this is what I DO know:
I know that I have a God who cares more about where I'm headed and how I get there than I ever will be. I know that the depths of what I feel for His children in need throughout the world is only the tiniest little glimpse into how deeply HIS heart is broken for them. I know that He has ordered my steps and that His ways are so much higher than mine and it's really not my place to try to figure it all out and understand. I know that I just had one of the most amazing weekends in my life — surrounded by His glorious creation hiking up in the mountains, back home to party and dance and celebrate an amazing woman's birthday with a house full of phenomenal people, and then a FULL day today of being surrounded by more friends/church family. I know that there are children around me right here and now that I can open my arms to and love, even if they do have incredible parents and privileges. And most importantly, I know that I am loved and that my God has not forgotten the things that He has put in my heart.
And there's such rest in that.
So, tonight, I will sleep hard. I am spent. My heart is moved by compassion, seeing and loving others as if they were my own, learning to always love the one. My body is tired from all the dancing and hiking and chasing Little Man around. My cheeks are still wet with tears. And my arms are open to whatever "one" He might put in my path in a moment's notice. And I wouldn't have it any other way. I am so thankful ... HE has given me SO much ... so much that I don't deserve. Thank you, Jesus. | | |
| So, I’m sitting here in a warm, cozy little coffee shop on a drizzly winter day. Earphones in, computer at my finger tips … I should be working. This nation is so cozy and convenient and comfortable and I have learned to love it.
Yet, as much as I have learned to be thankful and to appreciate all that I have been given here, there are many days like today where I wonder if I would be more fully alive elsewhere. The needs of this world are so great, and I often find my heart aching.
Why not sell everything and move to live among the slums of India, the refugees of Africa, the orphans of the world? I sometimes think about what would be the biggest sacrifice and if I could really do it.
Giving up my padded mattress? … my climate controlled living space? … my fireplace and my art supplies? … the two-mile drive to the craft store? … or how about the 5 grocery stores all within 2 miles of my house?
Days like today I can’t help but think that my heart would be so much more full with 20 kids with unkept hair, filthy hands and big huge hearts so hungry for love all swarmed around me. I think of the little ones all over this world who are without a mother today and I think of the love that swells in me, so ready to love lavishly on them.
I know that I am incapable of saving the world; of rescuing all the orphans … of feeding them, clothing them, providing for them. But I do think of the small little handful that I could love and care for. I think of the tiny little dent that I could make in the huge problem and I wonder why I am here and not there. I think of the big difference that I could make in a few small lives … simply by loving them.
What is this need that was placed inside of all of us … the need that children so unashamedly reveal to the world … the need to be loved. And how is it possible to make sense of the many children here in this nation that just opened hundreds of dollars worth of presents and toys when there are so many that will die without food today? How do I wrestle with the reality that God’s heart lavishly loves on His children and that the answer is not to withhold good things from the privileged little ones here, but … well, I’m not sure I know.
While I know what my normal “answer” would be (to love the one in front of me, wherever God has put me), today that hardly seems like enough. Today I wish that I could head down to the nearest slum in Delhi and just go hang out with the beautiful people that I have known there. Today I wish that I could wrap my arms around that little boy who looks up at me with eyes so huge and hungry for affection while one of his little sisters sits in my lap and his grandmother watches as the other 3 children come running in to crowd around us.
The reality of these moments in my life is that those beautiful friends have actually taught me and changed MY life so much more than I will ever be able to change theirs. It has taught me that I really have so little to offer. All I really have is love. Love, and a little money that will probably do more harm than good.
So, as I start up InDesign and Photoshop and begin to “work” today, my heart remembers and is eternally grateful that they have shared just a little glimpse of their lives, their love and their hearts with me … I am a changed person because of it.
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